If it doesn’t have a tail it’s not a monkey—even if it has a monkey kind of shape—if it doesn’t have a tail it’s not a monkey! If it doesn’t have a tail it’s not a monkey… it’s an ape.

Have you ever wondered how to tell the difference between the two? Larry the Cucumber comes to our rescue once again in this Silly Song from The Wonderful Wizard of Ha’s:

The kids love listening to WJTL’s Kids’ Cookie Break every Saturday morning, and this song has gotten frequent airplay. Joshua’s been walking around saying “monkey” over and over again. Especially pointing to Jakey, our stuffed gorilla (which is an ape).

Oh, and I guess since this is St. Patrick’s Day (BTW, today I’m wearing red—the anti-green!) I ought to send you off to watch Big Idea’s St. Patrick flannel-graph biography.

Not since the “transforming hotcakes platter” Happy Meal toys have I been this sure that Mickey D’s has hit the ball out of the park.

You are most like Matt Mullenweg!

You are most like Matt Mullenweg. Though you recognize your authority, you do not relish the idea of using your power too aggressively. Instead, you rely on peers a lot. You do participate in the social media world, but it is not something that occupies a lot of time. You most likey devote yourself to projects that you feel passionate about and tend to evangelize those things quite a bit.

Take the Technorati Self-Importance Test and compare your results to mine!

And Aaron, if you’re reading this… you need an easy way for people to “copy the code”! (Just doing my part as a Mullenwegish project evangelist!)

But today, I have found just such a something. Go, read this analysis and commentary on Mims’ This Is Why I’m Hot. (HT: Seth Godin) This is what music reviews ought to be.

Happy Friday!

I’ve heard all of this stuff about humans cause global warming. Well, let me just say that I’m a little bit disappointed in my fellow humans because it seems to me that, at least here in North America, we are not doing a very good job of causing global warming this year. So, I am here to offer my services to Al Gore – I would like to cause some global warming.

I’m with him. I mean, frost after Easter in Baltimore? Fer cryin’ out loud, that’s just wrong! I’ve been walking in the morning this past week, and I really should be able to leave the house at 7am without a coat. Honestly, that’s not too far-fetched, is it?

Omigosh! I just realized… what if Al Gore has been right all along, and we’ve overcompensated! Al may have just singlehandedly caused the start of the next ice age! NOOOOOOOOOOOOMGPONIES!!!1!!!!11!!

Rhett & Link crack me up!

Yup, I’ve got another Squidoo lens. This was me trying to get ultra-ultra-focused: what all can I find out about an obscure old Christmas jingle?

Protestant Reformer John Calvin, unbounded by the petty restrictions of time and space, has traveled through time engage in kung fu combat with a mutated plum, one grotesquely transformed by FDA-approved mutational drugs.

I found this on YouTube a few weeks ago, and only just now got around to posting it. Oh well…

Ah, irony.

I walked inside the room and o'er
Into the kitchen, I did haste
To open up the fridge's door
For I had hoped that I could taste

Some ham and cheese between wheat bread
Or, perhaps, a salad tossed
But oh, my heart was filled with dread
When fast, the odor wafted 'cross

My nose. And what a smell it was
Which now began to fill the air
For covered deep, the food in skuzz
And so I said a little prayer.

Then out came moldy peaches, green
And also splotchy chowder soup
I tossed the curdled coffee cream
And 'tater salad, turned to goop.

Digging deeper I soon found
Some bleu cheese, and I'm sure I knew
That way back when I bought that pound
The cheese was certainly not blue!

I can't believe that I picked up
Four gallons of whole milk one night
But now my cat had chunky sup…
He'll never know the difference, right?

Out went raisins; out went beans
(Where'd the grapes and sprouts get to?)
I went crazy as I cleaned
The squishy squash from off my shoe

Then pickles, eggs, and pickled eggs
Soon followed their o'er-ripened friends
And all the other nasty dregs
Until my cleaning reached the end.

I carried out two bulging sacks
And dropped them off along the curb
I hoped the dump would take them back
And not charge extra for my nerve.

Going on inside I got
A half and one whole piece of bread
That were not touched by blue-green spots
And so, a thought ran through my head.

I grabbed the only meat remained
Canned cat food'yes, acquired taste
But kitty's got milk consomm'
And nothing more will go to waste.

Just kidding.

(Thanks to the Jollyblogger for pointing this one out. Your timing is impeccable, sir!)

Sorry, I couldn’t resist! Do you ever get spam with that subject line? I sure do. It’s really annoying, isn’t it? I mean, you don’t need pills to enhance your love life… you need the grace of God. So here’s a few means of grace that’ll enhance your love far more than any ol’ pills ever could:

• Simply Romantic Nights
  Nicole and I were given this as a wedding gift (thanks, Uncle Andy and Aunt Bev!), and we love it so much we got a copy for my brother Jordan and his wife, Naomi for their birthdays. (Their b-days are only a day apart, so we can get away with that sort of thing.) Great marriage-building stuff in there — especially the don’t-talk-about-it-in-front-of-Grandmom stuff.
• Sex And The Supremacy Of Christ
  This is a great book — I’ve even reviewed it here at the Second Mouse. This book packs a wallop, pointing out how a right understanding of Jesus and a right understanding of sexuality go hand-in-hand. Definitely one-of-a-kind on the market today…
• Sex, Romance And The Glory Of God (What Every Christian Husband Needs To Know)
  While I haven’t read this book, I know it’s based on C.J. Mahaney’s marriage retreat material. So I know it’s golden.
• Love That Lasts (When Marriage Meets Grace)
  Okay, I’m reaching a bit here. All I know about this one is that it’s regularly recommended in my circles. Disagree? Feel free to leave a comment explaining why, and you might just win my Blogathon comment contest!

Of course, if you equate love with eros rather than agapao, you’ll probably disagree. Well, tough noogies: I’m right, and you’re wrong! HA!

I was playing the most recent message from Mars Hill in the background while I worked today, and when I heard this I just had to share it:

“I was told as a Catholic boy that Mary was always a virgin… which is not true. Now most of you dudes are like, ‘I would like to be married to a virgin!’ No, you’d like to get married to a virgin; none of you want to be married to a virgin! There’s a huge distinction. Huge distinction.” — Mark Driscoll, Paying Your Pastors (1 Corinthians 9:1-18), a sermon preached at Mars Hill Church in Seattle, WA on June 4th, 2006

I think what I like most about Mark Driscoll is how real he is. He just isn’t pretentious like so many other pastors are.

Wow, I like this! At least, I think I like it. It’s always hard to judge a parody when you’re unfamiliar with the original. I’ve been looking all over the Internet for the Cowboy Bebop intro theme this thing is a parody of, but I can’t find it.

“Class? Anyone? Anyone?”

UPDATE: Silly me! The guy included a link to the Cowboy Bebop intro on this piece’s profile page!

New Attitude is back, and they’re blogging live from the conference! I think that’s just cool. (HT: Adrian Warnock.) It looks like a pretty nice conference; I guess I’ll have to get the session CDs once they’re made available.

In addition to the official blog, Carolyn McCulley, Jenn Romanski and Brent Thomas are liveblogging the event.

However, in a shocking turn of events, it was revealed to attendees that C.J. Mahaney stepped down as senior pastor of Covenant Life Church in Gaithersburg, MD in order to prepare for his starring role in next season’s new sci-fi series, Stargate: T4G. Mahaney will reprise his role as Jean Luc Picard, a 24th century starship captain sent 300 years in the past to lead a 21st century ragtag special ops crew into the Delta Quadrant to prevent the rise of an alien race known as the Borg. (And if you don’t believe me, ask Agnax, whose post I discovered while typing this!)

“Ain’t nothin’ like the real thing, baby…”

Check this out: as of 11:30AM EST, searching for “SBlounskched” on Google gives you some interesting results; namely, my site is ranked #1 (higher than the Strong Bad e-mail that “SBlounskched” came from)!

It just goes to show you… blogs are destined to take over the world!

I thought for sure that Jordan would post this… but perhaps he’s forgotten he has a blog?

I love a capella music, and I love the soundtracks to games for the Nintendo Entertainent System; but oh, how I adore the two put together!

Who’s the coolest guy in town? Who turns heads whenever he’s around?

iGuy! Now available at Amazon…

(HT: Alissa Clark.)

Ah, my favorite guilty pleasure. Homestar Runner.

So it doesn’t have much to do with the church, or my family, or politics. Oh well. That stuff would be worth very little if you had to sacrifice all joy and pleasure for it, now wouldn’t it?

Do yourself a favor and have a good laugh at the expense of American (un)culture; check out The Brothers Chaps’ latest, lampooning just about every single candy promotion over the past twenty years in their debut of “Sblounskched!” — the newest chocolate bar to hit the shelves… like a brick.

You’ve got the munch, />the crisp and the crunch, />livin’ in the gutter with grandma…

When coach puts you in, />you gotta go for the win. />Y2K turned out all riiiight!

SBLOUNSKCHED! You can do it! />SBLOUNSKCHED! Crunchy chew it! />Who’s got the money?!?

You got… SBLOUNSKCHED!

Yup, a meme. I got tagged a while ago, and I’m sick of seeing this thing sit in my Drafts list. So deal.

Four jobs I’ve had (I chose the most unpleasant ones)
1. Assistant Furniture Finisher (not there, but the photos are rather accurate)
2. Overnight Restock @ TARGET (for all of two weeks)
3. Warehouse Floor Pallet-Stacker here (ugh…memories…)
4. Freelance Web Designer (I hate having to be a salesman!)

Four movies I could watch over and over
1. The Fellowship of the Ring
2. The Two Towers
3. The Return of the King
4. …there are other movies?

Four books I could read over and over
1. Let the Nations Be Glad!
2. Don’t Waste Your Life
3. (this li’l thing)
4. The Life and Times of Scrooge McDuck

Four places I have lived
1. Westminster, MD
2. Bonneauville, PA
3. Knoxville, TN
4. Taneytown, MD

Four TV shows I watch
1. Ha! I don’t have a TV!

Four places I have been on vacation
1. Stockbridge, MA
2. Duck, NC
3. Gatlinburg, TN
4. Sarasota, FL

Four websites I visit daily other than email
1. INDUCKS
2. LiveJournal
3. Unclaimed Territory (Glenn Greenwald)
4. LibraryThing

Four favorite foods
1. Chicken Pot Pie
2. Pancakes
3. Pizza
4. Mango/Lime Smoothies

Four places I�d like to be right now
1. On the mission field
2. In a secluded cabin with nothing but food, water and a Bible
3. Taking Nicole and Katie to a park
4. Heaven.

Four bloggers I�m tagging
1. My wife, Nicole
2. My brother, Jordan
3. My brother, Nick
4. My sister, Sarah

As they say, truth is stranger than fiction.

Recently a group of vanguard theologians that the original Hebrew and Greek Bible is thoroughly satirical, and that English translators have bowdlerized it. What a great sin… but restitution has been made! Now you can buy the most literal version of the Holy Bible yet translated!

Introducing The Serrated Edge Study Bible! Now you can “count it all [bleep!] in view of the greatness of knowing Christ.”

Teach your children what it means to be a prophet with The Serrated Edge Study Bible:

Elijah mocked them and said, “cry aloud, for he is a God! Either he is talking, or he is taking a [bleep!].”

(We’re not saying that other translators are wrong—a man’s got to know his limitations.)

Put new life in family devotions with The Serrated Edge Study Bible:

“In calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the whore in the land of Egypt, and she [bleep!] after their [bleep!][bleep!] whose [bleep!] was like the [bleep!] of donkeys, and whose [bleep!] was like the [bleep!] of horses.”

“Father! What do those words mean?”

“Well, honey, let me tell you…”

The Serrated Edge Study Bible‘s notes make clear all the satire that the most literal translation can’t. Decode Jesus’ cryptic put-downs…and Saint Paul’s scatological humor…and find every first-century cuss word on the “Saint Peter Profanity Chart.”

Just don’t let your mother see.

It’s track #8, if you’re interested.

Yeah, it’s most likely a joke… but it would be so cool to have a copy.